So little has been written about marriage from an Orthodox Christian perspective (at least I've been frustrated with the little that I have found); yet, there is so much to be said. I'm thinking of this specifically from an Orthodox Christian perspective because I think that there is a unique understanding within this tradition that sheds some light on how to live as a married couple. I'll try to keep this short, just throw out the basics to get a conversation started:
The Church teaches that the Trinity is not only one in essence but also perfectly united in will. United in will -- this is profound. What does it mean to be perfectly united in will? None of us have experienced perfect unity in will with another human being, so the concept of three entities being completely united in will is almost incomprehensible to us. This is the great mystery of the Christian trinity -- this is how we say "Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One," and at the same time, "We believe in the Holy Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." It is utterly impossible have any understanding of trinity without understanding the concept of a perfectly united will.
What does this have to do with marriage? I'm trying to get there; I think I'm two steps away from the point that I'm trying to make. Any kind of close reading of the gospels reveals the united will of the Trinity: Christ makes several references to his willing submission to the Father, and to the willing submission of the Holy Spirit to the Father. The action, and maybe the essence, of the Trinity is defined by complete mutual submission. This is what it means when we say that God is love.
In the gospels, Christ prays that his followers may find this love, this union of will "that they may be one, as we are that they may all be one, as You, Father, are in me, and I in You; that they also may be one in us. I in them, and You in me, that they may be made perfect in one."
At Christian weddings, I've sensed a nearly audible cringe from non-Christian friends and family when they hear, "Wives, submit to your husbands." It's such a strong reaction, that it is difficult to hear the "husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church." Even if they do hear, what does it mean? The key to understanding these two verses lies in understanding the perfectly united will of the Trinity: it is all about mutual submission. As Christ acted as a servant to all, washing his disciples dirty feet, so we are to serve one another.
Marriage then is about learning mutual submission. The more that we submit our wills to one another, the closer we come to a unity of will. The closer that we come to a unity of will, the happier and more complete our marriages will be.
OK -- I'll get down from my pulpit now. So much for keeping it short.
The Church teaches that the Trinity is not only one in essence but also perfectly united in will. United in will -- this is profound. What does it mean to be perfectly united in will? None of us have experienced perfect unity in will with another human being, so the concept of three entities being completely united in will is almost incomprehensible to us. This is the great mystery of the Christian trinity -- this is how we say "Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One," and at the same time, "We believe in the Holy Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." It is utterly impossible have any understanding of trinity without understanding the concept of a perfectly united will.
What does this have to do with marriage? I'm trying to get there; I think I'm two steps away from the point that I'm trying to make. Any kind of close reading of the gospels reveals the united will of the Trinity: Christ makes several references to his willing submission to the Father, and to the willing submission of the Holy Spirit to the Father. The action, and maybe the essence, of the Trinity is defined by complete mutual submission. This is what it means when we say that God is love.
In the gospels, Christ prays that his followers may find this love, this union of will "that they may be one, as we are that they may all be one, as You, Father, are in me, and I in You; that they also may be one in us. I in them, and You in me, that they may be made perfect in one."
At Christian weddings, I've sensed a nearly audible cringe from non-Christian friends and family when they hear, "Wives, submit to your husbands." It's such a strong reaction, that it is difficult to hear the "husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church." Even if they do hear, what does it mean? The key to understanding these two verses lies in understanding the perfectly united will of the Trinity: it is all about mutual submission. As Christ acted as a servant to all, washing his disciples dirty feet, so we are to serve one another.
Marriage then is about learning mutual submission. The more that we submit our wills to one another, the closer we come to a unity of will. The closer that we come to a unity of will, the happier and more complete our marriages will be.
OK -- I'll get down from my pulpit now. So much for keeping it short.
4 comments:
There is a subsequent, or pre-requisite (I can’t tell which), paradigm shift. We come to realize that submission is not weakness. Submission is strength. Look at the natural world. What goes down rises again
In a manner of speaking the material for marriage in the Church is quite plentiful. Asceticism is the way of life, as true for monks as for non-monks: sacrificial living for love of God and neighbor. Since the icon of marriage is Christ and the Church, and since asceticism is the means for living that out, all teachings of the Church are teachings about marriage or monasticism, whatever your station in life happens to be.
I actually prefer that the literature dedicated strictly to marriage is proportionally small. In my own life, marriage itself was a kind of idol, the thing that I thought would make me happy--if only I could make it work out right. That is one way to find out that marriage, or any other worthy goal, must not become an end in itself. When that happens, we begin a slow separation from God (we from him, not him from us), and unless corrected, the thing we pursue begins to wither along with us. It was that way with me, and I constantly struggle with it.
Through God alone, in Christ, all things are ours (as St. Paul said). So I am very happy that there are good books of advice on marriage. I'm also very grateful that I have my own family, friends, and brothers in Christ from whom to get advice on the asceticism of marriage. But I am happier that the Church and its writings show me the way of self-sacrificing love, and worship of Life Himself, who in his self-scrifice gives life to us--constantly.
I once heard Father Josiah Trenham quote St. John Chrysostom saying that the only difference between a monk and a married man is that the married man has a wife. As theo-fan said, asceticism is the way of life, as true for monks as for non-monks.
My understanding of the use of crowns in the Orthodox wedding service is that it is to signify martyrdom and the couple laying down their lives for the other. This certainly implies a mutual submission to me.
Lots of good ideas here.
I appreciate the "since the icon of marriage is Christ and the Church . . ." but this is not a concept that is readily accessible to a lot of folks. It is very important though, and I will be thinking about this a lot.
I also appreciate the comments that you made about the possibility of marriage becoming an idol. That makes one think too.
I too think that the crown imagery is very important, but too often lost on a lot of people. Maybe the Church has a great deal to say about marriage but only to those who are willing to dig for it.
A question for you both: what do you think marital asceticism looks like, in practical terms?
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